I Do Not Understand

I wrote this in September 2021. I think I’ve posted it every year since. Because memories are important, especially when they mark something significant. And this does. It’s significant to the lives of people close to me. It’s significant in my own life.

Death is always jarring. Sometimes the impact is deeper than at other times. We were made for Eden and when someone near us dies, be it family or friend or even enemy, it reminds us how far away we are from the Garden. It also reminds us to look ahead to where we’re going. To turn toward the Creator, who made us for Eden and took it away for our protection, and who has a paradise even greater than Eden for His Children some day.

Yet, even in our turning toward our Creator, that doesn’t always explain why. Why this loss. Why this pain. Why now. It doesn’t explain the plan. Because we know the Almighty has a plan, but He often doesn’t tell us what it is. And when we don’t understand, it can make it all the more difficult to bear up. We want reasons. We’re like children who ask why. Or I am.

Three years ago, I sat with my grief at a Panera, the days previous replaying over and over in my mind, and I wrote this. As a prayer. As a memorial. As a plea. Because I know the Lord is on His throne and that all things are in His Hand. And someday – probably in Heaven – I’ll look around and I will understand. Until then, may I trust Him. No matter what.

I Do Not Understand

The loss, the tears, the grief,

The pain that seems to grow.

The broken, bleeding hearts

That splintered by this blow.

They say You’re on the throne,

That all is in Your Hand.

Yet, God, I look around

And I don’t understand.

While sobbing fills my ears,

She trembles in my arms.

I have no words to say,

There are no cheering charms.

They say You’re still in charge,

That all is in Your Hand.

Yet, God, I look around

And I don’t understand.

I dearly want to help,

I watch him struggling.

But I can only stand

And pray You’ll comfort bring.

Oh, God, You’re on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

But when I look around,

I do not understand!

Prayers that seem unanswered,

The cries that seem ignored,

The pleas that fell to grief,

Is Your ear deaf, oh LORD?

If You’re still on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

Why, when I look around,

Do I not understand?

My own grief comes in waves,

Though stifle it, I might.

The weight I feel, the guilt,

The tears, I often fight.

I know You’re on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

But still I look around,

And I don’t understand.

I look into Your Word,

It clearly says You hear.

Yet, promise, it does not,

The answer will be clear.

Nor that while on Your throne,

With all things in Your Hand,

That when I look around,

I’ll ably understand.

Oh, God, increase my trust;

My faith that’s trembling now.

Please comfort those I love,

And bring us peace somehow.

I know You’re on You’re throne,

With all things in Your Hand,

And when I look around,

I will not understand.

You have not lost Your love,

E’re faithful You’ll remain.

I can not see Your plan,

The glory You will gain.

I know You’re on Your throne

With all things in Your Hand,

And one day You’ll allow,

That I will understand.

Until that day, oh LORD,

I give this grief to You.

I give You those I love,

And trust Your Word is true.

You’re always on Your throne

With all things in Your Hand

And when You look around,

You fully understand.

To the King be all the glory!