I Do Not Understand

In a dark Panera in September 2021, I wrung my wrestling thoughts and emotions into this poem. It’s a prayer, it’s a memorial of sorts, it’s the cry of a child who doesn’t understand what her Father is doing, but desperately wants to trust Him. Sometimes we carry our own grief, sometimes we carry the grief of others we love, and sometimes it’s both. That day, it was both.

And today, four years later, I still carry both, heavier for those I love than for myself, but still both, and I still don’t understand. Sometimes, God allows us to see where He is glorified in tragedy, in brokenness, and in grief. Other times, we have to wait for Heaven. I don’t know why He makes some wait and others He doesn’t. I don’t understand. But He is on the throne with all things in His hand, and someday – someday – we will fully understand.

I Do Not Understand

The loss, the tears, the grief,

The pain that seems to grow.

The broken, bleeding hearts

That splintered by this blow.

They say You’re on the throne,

That all is in Your Hand.

Yet, God, I look around

And I don’t understand.

While sobbing fills my ears,

She trembles in my arms.

I have no words to say,

There are no cheering charms.

They say You’re still in charge,

That all is in Your Hand.

Yet, God, I look around

And I don’t understand.

I dearly want to help,

I watch him struggling.

But I can only stand

And pray You’ll comfort bring.

Oh, God, You’re on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

But when I look around,

I do not understand!

Prayers that seem unanswered,

The cries that seem ignored,

The pleas that fell to grief,

Is Your ear deaf, oh LORD?

If You’re still on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

Why, when I look around,

Do I not understand?

My own grief comes in waves,

Though stifle it, I might.

The weight I feel, the guilt,

The tears, I often fight.

I know You’re on the throne,

And all is in Your Hand,

But still I look around,

And I don’t understand.

I look into Your Word,

It clearly says You hear.

Yet, promise, it does not,

The answer will be clear.

Nor that while on Your throne,

With all things in Your Hand,

That when I look around,

I’ll ably understand.

Oh, God, increase my trust;

My faith that’s trembling now.

Please comfort those I love,

And bring us peace somehow.

I know You’re on You’re throne,

With all things in Your Hand,

And when I look around,

I will not understand.

You have not lost Your love,

E’re faithful You’ll remain.

I can not see Your plan,

The glory You will gain.

I know You’re on Your throne

With all things in Your Hand,

And one day You’ll allow,

That I will understand.

Until that day, oh LORD,

I give this grief to You.

I give You those I love,

And trust Your Word is true.

You’re always on Your throne

With all things in Your Hand

And when You look around,

You fully understand.

To the King be all the glory!